EterNalLi_unKnowN

distraught..

2005-07-19T12:40:36Z

ok..theres just some people who no matter what..are unconditionaly gonna be there for you..no strings attached..no questions asked..but in turn theres gonna be those people who are SPOSED to be there..nd arent..nd those are the people that hurt..the people that you thought you could count on..nd really have no clue what ure counting about..no lifes not sposed to be easy..but it sure as hell aint sposed to be this hard..

ok i know the couple of close people..nd i also know the people who are SPOSED to be close..nd it aint cutting it..litterally..its starting to sink into reality..that whatever i did..to screw this..nd everything up..really is affecting my life..nd that its not gonna be the same..but there seems to be NUTHING i can do to fix it..im at a loss..

ok..really..last nite..i got off the phone w/ nicolle nd just got in another fight w/ my mom..im so sick of this..nd considering i didnt get off the phone til almost 2ish..that makes for a long nite..but all she did was yell bout how im horrible..nd i need to do stuff..nd quite w/ the attitude..ok..ill work w/ her on that..cuz i CAN have a HORRIBLE attitude..when she pushes me far enough..but now i guess since i went to audras all day nd wasnt home..i get to stay home today..which means..no queen pageant..which i honestly dnt know if im a gonna be able to convince her to let me go..

ok..im gonna go..find something to eat..err take a nap til nicolle gets on..so im out..leave me some..tipph..

feeling numb..

2005-07-18T23:01:06Z

it just i really dnt know what to feel rite now..its one of those moments when your happy..sad..upset..tired..pissed..nd every emotion at once..but the bad seems to out-weigh the good emotion..i know that that sounds really freakin confusing..nd crap..but thats how im feeling rite now..CONFUSED..like theres no one..nd nothing that compares..err understands..

ok..as me nd nicolle stated..no pity parties..just VENTING..

to start out the ONLY good thing is..i got my letter from josh..i misses him so much..nd he misses me..nd were going partying when he gets back..nd were gonna have fun..nd he aint leaving me again..cuz i do say my life is quite a mess rite now..nd its his fault for leaving..which is totally selfish of me nd stuff..but i guess im selfish..actually were just gonna blame it on "HER" rite nicolle..
next good news..audra nd dustin are dating..hehe..long story i just want her to be happy..so thats good..i was gonna meet him today..but the FREAKING hurricane stopped me..but hey ill get to meet him soon..hehe..

ok..bad stuff..nd this is just gonna come out in a ramble..not gonna make sense to neone but me..nd maybe "ONE" other person..but i dnt care..cuz yea..

nd now im just at a stand still i dnt know what to put..err even how to start it..i just feel like crying..nd stuff but i cant..i wanna just get everything out..nd i mean talking to nicolle everynite..till like 3 nd 4 for like many hours helps..but its not gonna make nething better..i completly hate conflict..i hate everything..specially myself rite now..cuz i feel like im bringin everything on myself..like im the cause of all my problems..i feel like i just get in the way of everything..of all my friends nd there happiness..i mean nicolle had to ask me last nite..the absolute one question i did not want her to ask..she had to ask if i still liked him..nd well that damn honesty policy that stupid ass me set up..had to kick-in..rite..yea..of course..nd i just feel like i hurt her by telling her the truth..all i do is get involved..nd screw everything up..i get involved..screw it up..then hide..im no different then him..i bring all this up then i run..so how the hell am i sposed to yell at him..when im no better than him..it upsets me but what am i sposed to do..i cant talk to him..cuz im not allowed to talk to him..nd plus he could care less bout talking to me..which i dnt blame him..i feel like all i did was cause him nd his whole family problems in the first place.nd so maybe its a good thing we arent talking..maybe he can get his life in order w/ out me being around to screw it up..ne more..

ok..enough bitching bout that..im freakin on the phone w/ my mom..nd shes trying to take my keys..nd just screaming bloody murder at me..nd all this stuff..dad wants to take my keys b/c last nite i was hanging out w/ nicolle jason lena nd brad..nd i was sposed to be home at 10..well they had to be home at 10:30..so i decided to call nd see if i could stay out an extra half hour..nd they sayd yea..well now dads having a HUGE fucking problem w/ it..i swear to god..he never enforces the rules..but the minute mom says something to him..he gets on my ass..bout everything..just so she wont chew him out..its not fair that my dads playing me..so he dnt get in trouble..im grounded sposedly..cant do nothing nd all that good stuff..b/c i have an attitude..nd all that..nd i mean yea sometimes i do..but its like even if i just open my mouth..i can just be saying ok..nd its an attitude..i dnt get it..i cant please them..i cant say nothing rite..err nething..

there is JUST way to MUCH stress being added in my life..nd i cant handle it..i hate trying to be the STRONG person im sposed to be..the one that can solve everything..i hate being that..but what am i sposed to do?..no one likes a whiner..am i rite?..

ok..the other nite..a bunch of us went out to swisher hill..to the abandoned house..then out to rucker chapel..nd stuff..it was fun..nd kinda boring..we ended up caution taping ginnys..trents..nd 3 of zachs cars shut..so that was fun..i love the carefree nites..that i can have w/ those guys..nd not get involved..in the problems im having..

im a FREAKIN' senior..nd i feel like a freshman w/ all this stupid drama thats being thrown at me..i just wish everyone would stand up nd act their damn age..nd talk bout whats goin on..freakin be an adult..u know?..

well i really gotta go..cuz this is super long..nd its just making me sick to talk bout ne of this..im out..leave me some..tipph..

rantings..

2005-07-15T14:46:29Z

ok..im really lost on my feelings..i dnt want to lie nemore..but its like who can i tell..everyone wants to try nd tell me what to feel..to try nd tell what to do..nd its like ive been doing great making my own mistakes for 17 yrs..i dnt need u adding to the mess..its just i dnt know what to do..i try nd be honest..but who wants to hear the truth these days..who really does..nd the people you think you can tell..either dnt care..err its not what they want to hear..i AM so glad that everyone is SO great at putting up a front..it scares me sometimes..wow..yea i may strive for honesty..but how can i expect ya'll to be honest w/ me..when im not honest w/ u..

wow..enough of the upseting boring pathelogical nonsense from a teenage girl..when you all have problems of your own..

no seriously..be honest nd open..nd hurt everyone around me..err hold it in..keep everyone happy..either way i get hurt..i should be used to that by now..

~why do we chase after what we cant have..nd give up whats rite in front of us.......

so being that i dnt know what to do w/ my life..if neone wants to leave notes..that would be greatly appreciated..im out..tipph..

skyes b-day..

2005-07-15T12:47:58Z

so yea..last nite we went out for skyes b-day..it was ok..i mean we were gonna go to the fisher fair..but it was raining so we went to champaign..nd just went out for dinner at chili's..then we went to the park nd played hide-n-seek in the dark..kinda boring..considering skye nd i ran like a mile to the other end then back just so they woulndt get us..lol..

well andrea..danielle..nd zach..all had to go home..so it was just skye..me..nd keith hanging out around town til 2 in the morning..well we played 20 questions..nd a lot of stuff came out..lol..some of the stuff one knew nd the other didnt..then everyone found out..i dno it was fun..

well audra now knows the truth..bout that nite..i really hated lying to her..but i didnt know what else to do..

i kinda screwed up the other nite..by taking audra to kennys so she could find out why the ambulances were up town..well they didnt like it much that i was around..god..im just not understanding why his family HATES me..wow..kinda a strong word to use..but its true..but w/e..audra said she would talk to jamie nd figure it out..so hopefully..but i dno..

well im out..ill talk to you later..tipph..

the movies..

2005-07-13T12:52:41Z

ok..so last nite..wasnt that great of a nite..first of all..nicolle nd i decided that we wanted to go to the movies..which is cool..so we decided wed invite kenny nd nick..nd then go to the mall err something after..well i got up yesterday..nd my phones werent working so i went down to audras nd watched cursed nd used her phone to call nicolle nd find out what was going on..well i ended up calling nick nd convincing him to go..but he didnt want to cuz he had no money nd didnt want us payin for him..but then he decided hed go..well i drove to fc to pick up nicolle..then we called him to make sure he was ready..well he goes is it ok if ashley..his cousin..goes..nd were like yea..well call her..so i called her nd was like well do u wanna invite ure boyfriend..so that theres not an odd number..nd she told us she couldnt go cuz she had drama..so we were like ok..well then we went to bellflower to pick him up..nd we got 2 minutes outside of it..nd he called me..sayin is it ok if rylee comes..nd were like we'll be there in a min..so we get there..nd hes like can i follow u back to fc..cuz i dnt know where she lives..im like my friggin god..no i cant stand rylee nd second off...NO..but hey..im a nice person so i went..well shes not allowed to ride w/ me so we took two cars..nd got back to mansfield..well kenny wasnt home..so we left straight for champaign..well they decide to be cute nd pass me..first off i hate to be passed..nd second..they had NO clue where they were going..so i was pissed..well then they slow down nd wave me by..so we get there..nd we all sit in my car so that we can chill before the movie..nd shes all acting her her hardest to impress him..nd hes like can we listen to some of my cds..nd im like sure..nd he goes you all prollie wont like them..nd stuff..im like i grew up w/ adam nd cory..i listen to that stuff..nd rylee goes oh so do i..nd im like u prissy lil cheerleader the hell you do..but again im nice nd didnt say it..so we go to watch the movie nd im like dude rylee ure payin for him..cuz u came w/ him..she didnt like that much..but hey..then we went nd saw dark water..which is a good movie..its not spectacular but its good..neways..she was like clenched to his arm the entire time..so after the movie we all get in my car nd go to the mall..nd ended up in hot topic cuz i had to get some stuff..well i was like rylee have u ever been here..nd shes like oh yea i shop here all the time..nd im like is that only cuz its nicks favorite store..nd i just got a death look..nd shes was all going on how she dressed punk one day for school in 7th grade..oh my god..no one cares..well kenny called us nd said hed meet us at the mall..so then the five..god i hate odd numbers..then the five of us..walked around..nd we decided to leave..well i ended up getting nick nd rylee to leave us alone nd stuff..cuz i was bout sick of it..so kenny nicolle nd me went to applebees for dinner..nd he treated me like shit the entire freakin time..i swear to god..the nite just couldnt get better..well he left us at 8:15 cuz he had to be home at 8:30..yea he just got his license yesterday..nd he complains about my driving..w/e..neways i took nicolle home..then saw nick up at the laundrymat across from her house..went home..nd drove to the post office..just in time to see kenny get home at 9:30 instead of 8:30..so much for the honesty thing..well i no more than get in the door nd the phone rings..nicolles on the other end crying cuz her dad is freakin out..taking her phone away..nd stuff..well she asked him if kenny could come over tomorrow nd they go driving around cuz he got his license nd boys arent allowed in the house..well dad goes no i dnt want u in a car w/ him..nd she goes why not u let me ride around w/ tipph..w/ lena..nd w/ brad..nd he goes lena nd brad are a different story..nd anyone who can hit a pot hole nd flip their car shouldnt be driving neways..well she told me this then was like i almost exploded on him tipph..but i didnt..well she told me it..nd i just broke down nd started crying..there was just nothing i could do..i dnt know what to do nemore..

skye called last nite..to make sure i was still going to st louis w/ her..thats gonna be fun..im just gonna be glad to get away from here..
i talked to audra on the phone last nite til 11 when my parents got home..so i was alone..nd i just told her but my horrible freakin nite..i swear..things can only get worse..

well im out..dno what im doing today..tomorrow nite im going to the fisher fair for skyes b-day..well leave some..tipph..

softball..

2005-07-11T17:04:13Z

ok so..we took first place in our league tournament..which is freakin awesome..we got these cute lil spinny medals..so yea..

then we had the bellflower tournament..nd i mean we didnt do bad for never playin travel teams..nd facing real good pitchers..so it wasnt horrible..we got 5th..which is not last..so thats good..i got a cute lil mvp trophy..so thats all good..

yea hung out w/ nicolle nd kenny last nite..that was no good..i kinda dnt wanna hang out w/ him nemore..hes great at treatin me like shit..

well i gotta go..courtney wants to play nintendo..leave me one..

we won..nd much more..

2005-07-08T13:10:24Z

well..ive been doin absolutely freakin nuthin..we won both the games last nite..the first one against leroy..its was 16-1 in the 3rd..then the second game was against heyworth..we beat them 12-11 in the 7th..needless to say..we play them tonite for the championship at 7..so be there everyone..lol..

well i had 2 homeruns..2 triples..a single..nd a groundout..i played third both games..nd i realized that not only do the girls on the heyworth team have bad attitudes but so do OUR girls..nd lets just say they WONT be playin tonite..also..i wish i could cry to my mommy for playing time..which i do have to say is freakin bullshit..but w/e..

well i talked to nicolle last nite..again til 1 in the morning..nd i just feel absolutely sick again..so i guess kenny wants to be my friend..just as long as i quit the bullshit..cuz hes willing to drop it..omg..the only reason hes willing to drop it..is cuz he was wrong.............but of course not..

i dno what to do..im at a loss..really..do i forget about how much he hurt me nd all the shit he said bout me..nd be his friend..really i dnt find it to be worth it..even though nicolle really wants us to..

ahh..now on to my favorite part..JORDANs back..nd lets just say the best thing he ever did for me was leave..i saw him yesterday..cuz he wanted to see me SO bad..but it was like he hadnt changed one bit..nd i honestly need to say..i cant deal w/ that..i mean i miss him nd all..but to a point..i dno..maybe im wrong again..w/e..

well im babysittin courtney rite now..then goin to nicolles before the game..so yea..its 8 o'clock exactly..nd im surprised im awake..i still should be sleeping til the phone rings at about 12..lol..even though i didnt get up until 2 yesterday..i just felt real sick nd stuff..kinda like i do now..but i think the stress is whats doin that to me..

well im out..i think im gonna take a nap before the game nd stuff..leave some..tipph..

just another wednesday..

2005-07-06T22:58:10Z

so yea..i got up at 6 this morning to babysit courtney nd paige..then audra came around to finish up babysittin..then it was just us..nd jon nd noyln hangin out..so yea..i got off at 4..then came home nd got a shower..im goin out w/ audra tonite..to their lovely softball tourney up in gibson..what fun..i have to make the line-up so thats why shes takin me....

last nite..we got our butts kicked..we lost to leroy in the first game..then leroy lost to heyworth in the last..me nd nicolle stayed around to cheer our leroy girls on..i played 3rd..nd pitched..well only to 3 batters..i nailed one of them nd got the other two out..then the game was over..but hey i did good..4 strikes 3 balls..that was all it took..lol..well i had a double..single nd a ground out....i could have done SO much better..but i scored everytime i got on..like always....

yea..nicolle talked to kenny last nite..nd i talked to him for a sec..well i guess his family..told him he was never allowed to talk to me again..we cant hang out..nd i cant go to his house..nor him to mine..which is fine i guess..cuz my mom just said the exact same thing..i just see this entire thing as pointless..sorry i get punished for stickin up for myself..then he says im being stupid cuz i said there really is no point in us talkin nemore..i mean really theres not..but w/e..its not like he talks to me nemore ne ways..

i finally got curt nd joshs addresses..im excited..now i just gotta find time to write them..josh get back aug 15..on my mommys b-day..im excited..

the parades sucked..majorly..i went to mahomets fireworks w/ keith skye nd zach..im gonna go to bellflowers on saturday after our game..cuz they got rained out monday..yea..we play 8 oclock on saturday then the fireworks will prollie be like 10 err so that nite after we get done..yay..

yea..well i gotta get ready for the game tonite..

we play leroy at 6 in heyworth tomorrow (thurs) nite..nd if everything goes good..we play heyworth at 8..so come cheer us on..im out..tipph..

updates..

2005-07-01T21:27:28Z

so as for that awesome phone call w/ kenny that solved EVERYTHING..no my bad..he was to drunk to even remember i called..so we're back at square one..i dnt think i even want to be his friend nemore..its obvious to hell im not important enough..why do things change so much..

but on a brighter note..i CANT wait til josh gets back..we have a TON of catchin up to do..nd he owes me a lot of advice..lol..i misses him..

tonite..i have to babysit..which sux ass..cuz then i have to work the entire weekend at neiman..then!!!!..cant wait..i have to babysit..all next week..from 6 am til like noon err 1..for audra..cuz im a nice person..nd she has to work at coleman electric in the mornings..so i said id babysit for courtney..til she got off..hey its good money..then yay..tournaments all next week..nd then bellflower tournaments..so i kinda called jermey nd told him to put me on a temporary leave..til school starts..cuz i dnt have time to work..cuz i got all that..then band camp starting up..nd the last day of that..aug 5..im goin to me nd skye nd a couple of other of our friends are headin' to st. louis..to a cardinals game....i despise the cardinals..but hey..its a game..so im a gonna go nd hang w/ my friends..that'll be fun..but lets just see..i have a ton of stuff to do til school starts..

GUESS WHAT!!!..next year..mansfield is having a traveling seniors softball team..ok..maybe that only excites me..but hey..all i know is that..me nd audra nd phil are coachin'..nd thats cool for me..yay..

well im out..gotta go get ready to babysit..leave some..tipph..

fights..

2005-06-30T22:11:42Z

theres really nothin to put..cuz everytime i rite nethin..it gets turned around nd well someone has to get mad..which is fine cuz its my fault for puttin how i feel out here in the first place..

i got a call from nicolle today..nd it mainly consisted of her yelling at me nd stuff..so i hung up on her..i figured id give her a couple of hours to cool off..sure enough..she called back nd apologized..nd expected me to yell..but i didnt..first of all i didnt feel like i needed to..second..what would that solve..so were cool now..at least i hope..i mean i hope nuthin else is left out there..no un-talked-about feelings..

talked to kenny on the phone last nite..nd i told him he didnt ever have to talk to me again..i really didnt care..he just had to listen to me for 2 min..nd well i told him everything..nd he wants to talk today sometime..but we havent talked yet..i figure ill just talk to him after band practice tonite..nd figure it all out then..but i guess were cool..he still wants to be friends..its just me whos the hard-head supossedly..but i dnt care..i dnt forgive easily..sometimes..

well im out..got band in a lil..nd i get to drive MY car..daddy finally got it fixed..im so excited..hehehehehehe..well im out..leave me some..tipph..

its been a while..

2005-06-09T19:25:43Z

yea..i havent updated in a while..a lots been going on..weve been batteling the insurance agency over my wreck nd shit..things have just been real complicating..

rite now im at autumns making cupcakes..waitin on that loser to call..cuz its 2:30 nd he was gonna come over at 1..but what ever..maybe i shouldnt have been so pissy w/ him last nite..but oh well he really did hurt me..but of course im just high strung..nd shit..

i dno the other nite we were on the phone until 2 in the morning..talkin bout us nd shit..i dno what to do..but i do know that i wish my "friends" would STOP getting invovled..i really do..

we had a game in heyworth last nite..we got all the way up there..nd got rained out..so tonite we have a game in bellflower..

i dno well im gonna go nd get ready for my game..im gonna vent..later..leave some..tipph..

the wreck..

2005-05-25T15:46:36Z

yea..well i totaled my car..like totally..if i knew how to upload pictures i would..u all really wouldnt even recognize it..sunday after at about 5:30..i went off a dirt road..flipped it..then hit a telephone pole..kenny nd me had to be transported to the hospital..nd josh david nd berek were perfectly fine..josh came outta it w/ 2 scratches..that was a very scary day..but hopefully everything is gonna work out..i feel like crap..but hopefully in a couple of days thatll all blow over..kennys pretty worried about me..he calls me every nite to see if im ok..nd to tell me goodnite..i told him not to worry..cuz i hate it when people do..but i dno..

well i got a ticket out of that..a failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident..nd i have to appear in court..becuz someone other than the driver went to the hospital..

ok..well only 1 more day of school..im gonna go..luv ya..tipph..leave some..

updating..

2005-05-21T20:22:43Z

well..i finally got all my stuff hooked up in my room..i was voted secretary of my class for next year..umm..i went nd saw adam..we talked for a lil bit but i couldnt stay long..yea..that was interestin..considering he just kinda dropped off the face of the earth..my momma got me a digital camera..its pretty awesome..

i got in the biggest fight w/ the parents last nite..me..autum..jennie bob..josh..kenny..nd josh's cousin..were all hanging out at autumns..nd then mom just starts freakin out..threatenin to call the cops on me tonite..it was horrible..i felt horrible that happening in front of everyone..i just cant stand it sometimes..im almost done..i cant take it..i want to move out so bad..i honestly dnt care where i go..as long as its not there..i dno..moms a lil better today..she said i could go out w/ kenny tonite..so i dno..i really dnt even understand what the fight was about..all i really know..is we stood outside for 2 hours..nd she just went off on me..screaming nd everything..

i have an ongoing migrane..i really feel like im gonna die..

well..im out..tipph..

confusion..

2005-05-15T07:41:45Z

at a student council lock-in..mr anton is being a complete nd total meanie head..but hey what can u do..

ok..nicolle..bitched out rylee..which at this point..is prollie the most amusing thing to me..i guess what it was all bout was that rylee got involved where she didnt need to be..nd shit like that..also she had to go nd call nicolle nd tell her all this shit..like..shes "nicolle" getting replaced..nd the stuff bout kenny..well she ended up lying straight in front of nicolle..nd well we both realized that..nd nicolle called her..nd was like first of all..u need to stay out of kenny nd hers business..im not getting replaced..josh thinks ure annoying..nd all this shit..i was so proud..plus nicolle is taking it VERY well..nd is actually VERY supportive..of "stuff"..which tends to work out..

neways..nicolle decided she would talk to kenny..nd ask him what he thought of me..nd he said that he thinks im a really great person..nd he really likes me..just because of what marji did to him..he doesnt think he can handle going thru that again..nd having another g/f..rite now..but that he wants to talk to me bout it..nd find out whats going on..

well i called him..at bout midnite..cuz i was bored..nd he didnt mention nething bout it..but then he told me to call him back in 20 minutes..so bout 45 minutes later..i called him back..nd he didnt answer..but i also told him i wouldnt be at church in the morning..cuz mom is throwing me in quaritine..but i mite be there that nite for a lil..so yea..i dno..i aint decided whether i want to go..sleep prollie is my best bet..

ok..on to josh..him nd lisa..i guess went on a date..err least thats what kenny told me..but w/e..i dno..ever since him nd lisa started getting "closer" again..me nd him been gettin more nd more distant..im not mad..err jealous really..im just definitly NOT gonna lose my best friend..to her..but im almost positive shes got something to do w/ it..

well im gonna go play cards..its only like 3 in the morning..but hey..its all good..im just having some dilemas..thats ok..im running..on my 4th straight week of being sick..i really think im dying..ok..im out..nite..nd sweet dreams all..luv ya..tipph..leave some..

venting..

2005-05-11T22:22:36Z

god..i hate stupid ppl..nd i hate being sick..i hate a lot of stuff rite now..ill update later..just wanted to vent..

sick..

2005-04-28T21:56:19Z

wow..ive just been majorly sick lately..like i dnt have the energy to do nething..i havent been able to keep food down for 4 days now..nd i can barely stand w/ out feeling like im gonna pass out..or throw up..i dno whats wrong w/ me..i really feel like just crawling up in a lil hole..nd not moving for a VERY long time..

nothing is really irritating me that much..umm..i dno..guys are so f*ing confusing..but other than that..i dno..i mean..when arent they..they either are here to be confusing or screw us over..but im not gonna get into that..cuz my feelings have more enless already been put out there..nd im not sure i can make it much clearer..so im gonna sit back..nd concentrate on feeling better..im out..tipph..

life..

2005-04-19T21:31:30Z

yea..well..last nite..i quit the softball team..wow..it was pretty hard..but i just told mr brown..that ive got to much stuff going on..nd softballs what im getting rid of..nd it doesnt help that ive sat about 17 games..i dno..

but today..autumn nd i went to talk to mr pope..nd he like freaked out..goes why aint u playing..did u get in trouble again..why..nd autumn goes..no she quit cuz brown doesnt play her..nd hes stupid..well pope goes nd tells brown that i said that..cuz brown like freaked out on me going..i dnt like the fact that u just quit b/c of not enough playing time..nd that u called me stupid..nd lied to me nd crap..nd im like i NEVER said that..so i went nd yelled at pope..nd he goes..i said autumn said it..but he prollie misunderstood me..so ill go tell him again..GOD I JUST WISH PEOPLE COULD GET THEIR STORIES STRAIGHT..nd koehl had the nerve to tell me i wasnt allowed to..so moms gonna go have a talk w/ him..

thats ok..b/c im still playing summer ball..

kenny yelled at me for quitting..hes like one of the only ones who doesnt understand why i did it..but yea..i have to tan at 7..then kennys coming over..god i dnt understand that boy rite now..

haha..might be taking nick to prom..which would be pretty f*in sweet..hes this awesome drummer..so yea..ashley says he can prollie get up here for it..so yea..nd instead of waiting til this summer to move here..he might just start in the next couple of weeks at school..which is dumb..since its over..but hey..w/e..

well im gonna go..man what am i gonna do w/ all this time..now that softballs over..lol

MY B-DAY IS IN 4 DAYS!!!!!

leave some..tipph..

VENTING..

2005-04-16T19:51:44Z

you know..sometimes..people are stupid..yea..nd sometimes..others are just freakin immature..nd huge hypocrites..going 100% by the bible..being the best that they can be..when everyone knows..exactly how they are..it seems that in this world..you cant in the slightest way make ne ones life ne easier..b/c either you piss one person off or a whole group..either way they run their f*ing mouths about you..
***people shouldnt make it so easy to ruin their lives***
autumns prom date is freakin hott!!!
im out..tipph..

effects of school..

2005-03-30T00:32:13Z

school is officially the biggest waste of tax dollars that our government can come up w/..i mean..god its just a place to put people for 7 hours..so there parents worry 7 hours less bout there drugs nd alcohol..its a place where they can just fuck around..nd annoy the hell outta others..

ok..i just really needed to vent..bout that..nd the fact that everyone thought it would be awesome..to piss me off..then keep going at it..other than that im pretty good..brenden talked to josh about me..nd wants me to come visit..my first softball game i can play in is friday..im not unhappy..not overly happy..just content..nd occasionally moody..talked to audra..had a very good long talk w/ her..while we took the dogs on a walk..so it was fun..my b-day is in 25 days..which is awesome..ive got plenty of jobs to keep me outta trouble..neimann..babysitting..4 different freakin kids..nd yea..im starting working at the races..when they start up..which mite not be to smart of an idea..but hey..

well i gotta go..cuz i gotta run up to neimann..for my paycheck..then back here to the school..in like 10 min..so im out..leave some notes..tipph..

spring break..

2005-03-21T21:23:13Z

me nd mom were talking bout g-mas funeral today..god i hate talking bout that stuff..we got onto the topic cuz of uncle rick calling..nd whats going on w/ johnnie..god all that girl does is screw up her life..but we got to talking bout g-ma..nd then somehow that lead to garys murder..nd i just started bawling..i reallie couldnt take it..w/ everything that had happened w/ that..then thinking bout it again..i just couldnt take it..
wow..sometimes i act like such a big baby bout things like that..

well so far we should have just enough girls to have a summer softball team..nd a coach..which is friggin awesome..cuz yea..we get to play..

work has been..well actually not that bad..since ive not been working but 2 or 3 times a week..so yea..i work tuesday..nd then thats it for the week..cuz of softball..nd stuff..

4 more games..then i can play..only 4..nd since we have a double header on sunday against clinton that takes care of 2..so i will be playin soon..

wow..can u believe it..ive already started screwing up again..ok..first of all..i know i cant say specifics on here..or really tell nebody..whats going on..cuz wow..it would either affect to many people..or just be plain awkward..its just im really in a spot where im not only confusing myself..but im just sposed to not react..i dno..
wow..i think that the only thing i do know is..i need to just take some time..nd FIGURE shit out..cuz its freakin tearin me up..wow..nd maybe confrontion >spelling< would be good..but i dnt know how to get out in words what i wanna say..specially face to face..
like i mean..wow..am i just around..when no one else is..or..the only reason to talk to me..but see the words just dnt flow..so its never gonna get said..

hung out w/ nicolle..then when she went to her rock concert..i went to corys nd talked to him for a while..then went home..nd watched the games..thats bout it..

but her friend..nick..from the rock band..hes a drummer..nd hes moving to bellflower this summer..so that should be fun..

well im out..i need to figure some stuff out..before i start talking..leave some notes..tipph..

the baby

2005-03-04T22:41:24Z

wow..i need to like..i dno..do something..that doesnt involve..NEONE..at our school..because they are all starting to really tick me off..

i saw the baby..his name is parker..nd hes so adorable..ok..i went to hucks last nite to get a water..nd talk to craig..cuz i always stop in nd say hi..well neways..mike was in there..nd emily..cuz she works there..nd i got to hold the baby..but then like 5 minutes later..he started to cry..cuz well babies dnt like me..lol..hes 3 months old..u know..it was kinda uncomfortable..yet kind of a relief..i dno..i dno whether to be happy err upset..rite now its more happy bout that..pissed bout everything else..but the way i look at it..i only bring these problems on myself..so yea..

leave some notes..im out..tipph..

a friday nite..

2005-02-25T23:00:09Z

tonite is friday..nd im sure EVERYONE knew that..nd i have to babysit..oh joy..i was GONNA go to the game..its the championship regional game..they won last nite by one basket..it came down to the final 3 seconds of the game..it was nuts..
then i start work at good 'ol Neiman Market tomorrow..well just orientation..but hey i got the job..which a job is a job..so yea..shopping here i come..lol..
then on to my next 2 jobs..friday nites are babysitting for the Shaffers..nd saturdays are babysitting for the Mathenys..so yea..lots nd lots of money..plus around softball..im gonna have no time whats so ever..fun fun..but my hours will only be like 6 to 10 on weeknites..nd 3 to 10 on weekends..so that i can still play softball..
next week..is our spirit session photographs..we picked out a few people..ok like 15 or so to have "spirit pics" taken..we all have to have our uniforms..nd stuff..then just go hang out that nite..i think autumn..me..cory..ginny..monique..danee..melissa..cylie..troy..alec..noah..andrea..alecia..abby..tyler..nd justin..i think there a few more..but i just dnt member who else..so that should be fun..nd hopefully when we take it..i can get it loaded on here..so yea..lol
ffa week was this week..so our school..reaked of animals..but it was fun..we had a pep assembly this afternoon..yea..it sucked..cuz i hate playing in the band..

MR POPE IS SUCH AN ASS!!..first he tells us sure u can waste time after school to come in nd make up pe..then when we get there..oh sorry..even though uve already made arrangements..nd it totally screws up ure plans..oh..u cant..so AHHHHHHHHHH!..god i hate him..w/ a passion..ok..a lil unrealensed anger..lol..

i havent been feeling well at all really..nd a lot of daydreaming..nd hardly ne sleep..im so messed up..i really cannot stop thinking bout "him"..nd it drives me insane..cuz i want to stop..nd im sposed to stop..i screwed up..i shouldnt have even ever talked to him..ahh..its like i like doing this to myself..but in reality..I DONT!..nd as of rite now..im not sure how to fix that..but yea..

well ill rant more later..when theres time..nd i know how to place my current problem in words..cuz rite now all i can say is..its ripping away at me..cuz im not quite understanding it fully..
leave some notes..tipph..

19 yrs. is to long to wait..PEP BAND!!

2005-02-18T22:55:53Z

can u sense the sarcasm in that..yesterday i got back to school for the last hour of the day..i had a doctors appointment then went prom dress shopping..nd went out for lunch w/ my mom..nd i was terribly tired..nd had quiz bowl..i got to moderate..the entire jv tourny..so i get paid for that..which is awesome..the i got home nd feel asleep..school was..school today..then we got to spanish..nd were watching destinos..nd skye just passes out..totally falls over nd everything..it wasnt cool..so we all like were helping her..then we went to pe..nd our team played aaron's team nd lost by 1 basket..no thanx to our lovely ball hogs clint nd nate..but hey we had fun..nd at least we dnt have to play in the "play-offs" as he calls them..at lunch next week..next is hockey..yay..not really..
tonite is our final pep band..YAYAYAYAYAYAY..nd that was not sarcasm..well except for that stupid east-west game at gcms in april..but its our senior nite..nd its gonna be fun..so yea..i finally got my physical for softball so now i get to sit on the bench til my suspension is up..oh joy..theres 3 people sittin a suspension during softball..maxwell..erika mckee nd me..

nothing really interesting going on..havent been feeling well lately..moms been letting me drive more..but not really..i got to drive to fc for the game the other nite..yaya..it was quite unbelievable..

ive been talking to mom..cuz i HAVE to get a vehicle for tech prep..nd i want a silver..well really ne color will do..but i want a jeep..i dno why..i just want one REALLY freakin bad..nd moms thinking bout getting me a laptop..which would be the shit..but yea..nd i need a cell phone..so thats my list of stuff..nd we think we get the laptop when dad gets his check thru something..i dno what its for..cuz of course he wont tell me..

**uncle rick called..but mom wont tell me what for..i havent talked to him since the nite him nd kyle got into their lil fight..wow that was forever ago..i should talk to him..but w/e..he made me mad..so yea..

well i gotta go..cuz i dnt feel well nd i still gotta call autumn..so we can go to our game tonite..our boys rock..

leave some notes..tipph..

the day after v-day..

2005-02-15T17:16:09Z

sitting in computer projects..just trying to get through all the sites that the school blocked from us..since mrs. dowling is gone..thank god..cuz i was really not in the mood to put up w/ her..

after i got off last nite..the remainder of my nite was spent w/ patrick swayze..nd dirty dancing..what fun..but who could get sick of that movie..neways..then i fell asleep..by at least 9:30..
today i gotta finish moms taxes..then im doing nuthin..

mom nd i talked yesterday..i told her i didnt want to go to prom nd waste all the money on a dress..nd plus skye couldnt afford to go..nd stuff..nd shes like i know u want to go..so i saved back money..so u can go looking..so i dno..im just like yea..but if skye cant go..then zack nd keith..prollie wont go..so we gots to work on getting her a dress she can afford..but yea..im out for now..leave some notes..tipph..

the other side of sex..drugs..nd rock & roll......hugs..tylenol..nd country..

v-day..

2005-02-15T00:49:33Z

oh..just a wonderful nd utterly awesome..valentines day..as usual..well at least this year..someone didnt promise my friends to get me a dozen roses nd a teddy bear to help me get over my hatred of love nd commitment..nd then disappear..w/ out talking to neone..nope..nope..no one did..wait prollie cause no one cared enough to open there mouth nd make a hollow ended promise..it really doesnt matter to me though..cuz i dnt want nething..i dnt want nebody..i just wanna understand hows come we waste a perfectly good holiday on something as pointless as love..nd heart..nd flowers..the whole concept just makes me sick..we exploit the colors red..white..nd pink..way to much when celebrating this holiday..nd there really seems to be no point..the only people who even in the least care about it..are the people who are spending eternity w/ someone..who is either 100% for them..err cheating on them..nd its only a matter of time before someone hurts someone..why dnt they just do it before they spend 30 bucks on roses..to have them delivered to the school..ok..maybe im just a lil bit bitter..ok..maybe a lot..it dnt really matter..i dnt care..its almost over..

the weekend..pretty much sucked..it was all rainy nd stuff..but not the..lets run out in the rain nd dance..kinda rain..the muddy..dnt step out in ure new shoes kinda rain..which is terrible..friday nite..battle of the bands..we won..our boys won..whoop-dee-do..neways..saturday..we spent most of the nite..trying to ditch jen..shes smarter then we give her credit for..keith nd skye..know that each other likes each other..nd they want zach nd me to date..so we can all double date..why when all he does is fall back for sarah..over nd over..lol..ne ways..plus hes not really my type..not the go-for-it kinda guys..but at least he likes me..spite my dumbness..ne ways..sunday was my candle-lite party..it was ok..not a lot of people showed up..

ok..well im out..ill write more later..tipph..
p.s..leave some notes..

ill write about the prom fight later..its to long nd i gotta start moms taxes..

*EterNalLi_unKnowN*